Friday, May 12, 2006

For the Women Folk (Only)

Like, oh my gawd. How grodie! Yes, ladies, it's that time of year. Time to show off those cute little (chubby, in my case) feet! I received this in an email yesterday entitled "Cute Girl Sisterhood." --or as I say "Sista-in-da-Hood." How hilarious! It starts off with the above photo (which is enough to grab your attention by itself) and then goes on to say:
As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps. I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe. I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there. If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him. I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle. I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages. I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good. I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them. I will promise to go my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $20 and worth EVERY penny). I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.
Yes, girls, I do follow most of these rules; but I have to tell you, after seeing that picture, it freaked me out! Ok, granted I have been known to touch up my polished toes for way too long, I have missed a "seasonal" pedicure (gasp), but Lord I hope my feet NEVER EVER look this bad! Yuck. Poor thing.

I went to the salon today to get a haircut. I had been growing my hair out; and for those that know me, that means really long. It's been a couple of inches past my shoulders for years but layered about. One day, out of the blue, the hub said "Why don't you see how long you can grow your hair?" And so I did. The last time I had it cut, I told Nancy to trim it slightly and told her about my new mission. Well folks, it grew alright. I have thick curly hair. Without the layers and it being so long, it just went totally lifeless! It was so weighed down, it looked horrible. I couldn't put my finger on it--being the tard that I am--so I started trying different shampoos, conditioners, de-frizzants, etc. Nothing worked. I finally figured it all out. It was just too heavy for it's own good. So today, the length was cut by at least three inches and layers were put back in. As Nancy was cutting, she said, "Look, it already knows which way to go." And there, you could see the curls coming back and looking lively again. Yea, my hair is back! "How's my haur?"--As Ulysses Everett McGill says so poetically in O' Brother Where Art Thou?

As I was leaving, I noticed several women getting pedicures. Ahaw! The picture! That gawd awful picture!! I should probably get a pedicure -- just in case my feet do look that bad, I thought to myself and checked to see if there was an opening. I didn't have anywhere to go (tard). Yes, indeed there was, in ten minutes. Thought I better go out to my car -- where I keep my cell phone -- and make sure everything was ok at home. (Phone conversations should still be semi-private, I think. Sorry, one of my pet-peeves!) So, I get to the car and it's ringing. It never rings. It's the teenager. "Uh, where are YOU!??" "Well, I'm getting my hair cut, why?" "You're supposed to be driving me to work!!" Uh oh. I look at my watch. The teenager is due in at 3:30, it's now 3:20 and I'm at least 15 minutes away. "Ooops. Sorry, can you get another ride?" "No." But of course, he could. As I'm walking back to cancel my newly-made appointment, he calls back to say he did get a ride. Thank goodness, he was only 10 minutes late. Oh well. My bad.

And so ladies, I was able to get my pedicure in. And, for the first time in over ten years, they used a razor thingy to scrape the old skin off my heels. I was amazed. (Let me say, this is a very reputable salon and extremely sanitary--not one of those walk-in-off-the-street types.) And, don't get me wrong, it was needed, ya know what I mean? Ten years of sandpapering just don't do the same job! But, all that skin flying off in shards was quite disgusting and embarrassing. And, of course, there was a man sitting right in front of me waiting for his wife. (Some things just shouldn't be. Why do some men have to sit next to their wives when they're having their hair done? Or any other beauty procedure, for that matter? Answer me that. I could, and would, never ask my hub to sit through that.) So, I'm sure he was thinking the same thing I was "EW." I'm glad he wasn't witnessing a leg wax or better yet, a bikini wax! EW! (Not that I've had one of those in many, MANY years, mind you.) But, is NOTHING sacred? Shouldn't women be able to have their yucky feet cleaned in a little privacy? I mean, c'mon. I don't go to the barber's with my hub to watch him and others do whatever they do in those chairs.

Ok, enough bantering. My feet are ready to go out into public again. But I ask you, are they cute enough to wear sandals and open-toed shoes--sista-to-sista? hehe

Me and Rootie's toes.


Fizzy said...

They look good. You can wear your summer sandals with pride.

I have had that done on my feet and it is very EW... so why men hang around these places I do not know.... very wierd

Have a good day. We have had a week of glorious sun and heat and I have been working. TOday I am off and it is peeing it down with rain... what is that all about?!?!

paris parfait said...

This is hilarious! But so true about the feet - last summer I was at a horse race at Newmarket, England and a woman was dressed beautifully from her head down to her - heels! She was wearing backless sandals and her skin was as dry and cracked as if she'd walked through the Sahara. I was horrified and couldn't help staring. Now I am obsessed w/ keeping my heels and feet moisturized so no one will ever look at my feet in horror. Ha!
Nice pedicure!

ms*robyn said...

another reason why I love winter - thick socks. I look after my feet, but what a chore it is to keep them looking lovely.

MJ said...

You go girl! We girls deserve to have happy feet. I have mine done once a month....and let me tell you...I deserve it. I know what you mean about the bottoms of our feet getting all dry. At my salon, they too use the razor to scrape off all the old dead skin. Needless to say, when they are doing mine it looks like they are peeling an apple! How embarrassing. But oh how wonderful it feels after it is done. I walk out of there with confidence that I can wear any type of shoe and welcome the opportunity to wear any pair of my many flops. Rosa....your feet look marvelous and I love the color polish on your toes.



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